This has been a rough few months, so of course naturally this revelation has brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Specifically one about how hard forgiveness can be. I decided fo face my "bullies" my sophomore year and return to the small local high school. Eighth grade had been tough for me as it was my first public school experience and I was all but normal. I was shy. I was ugly. I was fat. I was not smart. I was not stylish. And I didn't know too many kids. That was the worst year engrained in my memory! I was bullied and I was silent. One day. One mistake changed my life forever. I'm sure nobody else even remembers it, but I remember it clear as day. Every single detail. The whispers. The looks. The words. The actions. The tears. I was alone through it all. My mom looked the other way and I didn't tell anyone.
It was my fault. I was naive. I was sick and exhausted and I didn't want to do PE that day. I sucked at Volleyball and trying to fit in and not make a mistake, and be the last one to get picked every time, was all just too much that day. I had a lot on my mind. I didn't realize I was staring as we were changing for PE. My mind was simply wandering, as it always did.
That day forever changed my life. It took two years before I could face my classmates (and the entire school), and return to that school. And a lot longer before I officially forgave each one of them. Our sophomore year was different though. I came back changed. I was still quiet, but not shy. I was no longer ugly. I was now stylish, skinny, and wore makeup, and I worked hard in advanced classes. I was definitely not popular, but I at least fit in, now.
My point to this blog is that it took ME going back and facing my classmates our sophomore year to realize that they had changed too. They had grown up too. Although nobody asked for my forgiveness with words, they did with their actions. They were now kind and loving (for the most part). My junior year my parents made me to go to a private boarding school but my senior year I went back and graduated with these same classmates. Although it took several years to fully forgive them and to not let what happened affect my life, I often wonder if I had not gone back would I have been able to forgive? Twenty years later after a lot of counseling and recovery from a divorce, and having to forgive my ex husband (as well as others), I have realized that although not a single one of my classmates asked for my forgiveness, being able to forgive them cleared ME to be able to live MY life fully. It cleared ME of the burden and hatred. It really had nothing to do with them. But had I hung on to what happened, I would still be living with the nightmares and in bitterness and agony! Forgiveness was freeing for ME. And, because of that, I may actually plan on attending my 20-year reunion. Where, although we'll be there to "remember" each other, I know I am blessed to have had each of them in my life. I grew to become a strong and independent mom thanks to each of my classmates! Although they meant for it to hurt, I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I am stubborn and I faced my biggest fear-- and forgiveness was the result. As promised God wiped away my tears and turned them into blessings! Here's to many more reunions together.
