My covid-19 journey. The test

So. This is the only picture I’ve taken of it all, but I just thought I’d let y’all in on the process, of all of this, and my personal journey today... 

First, well, I am a single mom and kids nobody but the patient is allowed to enter the clinic, I called to verify this, and then have struggled for two days to find somewhere to send my boys just so I can go get an inhaler (their dad is unwilling and uninvolved)!  After a little (near) begging, I finally got that covered. 

Next, I headed to the urgent care clinic. As I had heard, they DO have a drive-thru covid screening and testing. This is good for us, but sucks for all of them outside in this nasty weather! The nurses doing the screening and testing are under a cover at least, but the intake person is sitting in a chair in the parking lot, and not under any cover 😞 (she had an umbrella and a blanket! That’s it). 

There was one car in front of me, so thankfully not much of a wait (when I left the clinic there was like 5 cars, so I must have gotten there at a good time!) But, since I needed to see a doctor, they sent me to a parking lot on the side, in order to go inside. They then walked me in the “back door” to the clinic. That whole process took maybe 15 min... 

*Side note: I’d like to clarify a “hot topic” I keep seeing floating around on good ‘ol social media... And that is those posts about the healthcare providers not being allowed to wear NEW masks, gowns, etc,.. It’s FALSE. I watched a new nurse come in, and get a brand new “packet” out of their drawer. It included a full surgical mask with “screen guard”, an N95 mask under it, AND a sterile gown, and gloves! And the other screening nurses all had new gear on, as well... So, just so y’all know, folks, our healthcare providers ARE indeed being taken care of, in regards to keeping themselves safe... At least here, for sure! 

Once inside I was given a mask and sent to a “waiting room” in the back that was one of their urgent care rooms. It had 7-8 chairs spread out around the room, and that was it. There was one other person in the waiting area. I waited there, maybe 45 minutes or so? (I really wasn’t watching the clock..) 

After that I was taken to a room. The MA got my info and symptoms and told me it would still be awhile because they only have two docs atm. I waited in that room for maybe another 40-50 minutes. 

Once the doc came in, he knew right away that I didn’t have covid-19, but said he was still going to test me due to my symptoms, due to having kids, and due to me needing to work... He prescribed me 5 different meds, one of which is a steroid in case it gets worse (that’s an absolute last resort for me as I don’t like taking steroids or antibiotics, but I accepted it just in case and so I don’t have to go back later)... Some Cough stuff... And of course the albuterol inhaler that I knew I needed! That whole process was maybe 30 min. (Including fixing my pharmacy to send to the VA)

**Side Note #2: Now, what y’all want to hear about... Is the test as bad as they say it is/was?  [NO.] This new test was just a swab on the back of my throat. Simple. It did gag me just a little bit, but only because my throat is already sensitive... But not anything near as bad as we’ve been hearing about with the original covid-19 test... 

With prescription orders in hand, I then headed to the VA... I walk up to the entrance that you see in this pic and there’s 3 MP “guards” at the door. Even though I was just at the urgent care clinic, I still have to go to the tent on the side for their covid screening. (2 minutes)

At this point, It was now COLD outside. I wait on the outside of the tent. Not sure if I am supposed to just walk in, it was kind of awkward. Finally someone comes out, and lets me in. There were 4 ladies behind tables, with their laptops. And one chair inside for a patient. I explained the situation. They asked if I had gotten authorization for the urgent care and prescription. ([Nope.] I was told with the new law we don’t have to..) Anyways, I then had to make a phone call to get authorized so that I can pick up my prescriptions. About 30 minutes and a few phone calls later, and I got it. One of the techs was attempting to get my approval electronically as well. And she finally did. So she took my prescriptions and ran them into the pharmacy. (45ish min total).

Now... I just got done waiting in my car while they filled the prescriptions... They brought them out to my car, for me. (A little over 1 hour). 

***Side note #3: In regards to wearing masks all around: So, in all my “extra” time waiting, I asked every health professional on this lovely journey today their “opinion” on how effective the wearing of masks is... EVERY SINGLE one of them (at every location) said they’re not. Most did mention that it’s just an extra precaution. It’s a very slim chance that it helps, but it doesn’t hurt any (which I completely agree with). Those of y’all that don’t know, I used to be a scrub technician in the O.R. in the military, and the masks being worn are the same surgical masks. We wear them to protect the patient (from our germs), not the other way around. Those masks do NOT protect germs from coming in, they keep (most of) the germs from going OUT!! So, for instance, by me wearing a mask it DID help to protect from MY germs spreading when I cough, however, if I were to cough directly on to them (without a mask myself), the germs would still enter through their own mask, to them... Does that make sense? One nurse even told me it makes no sense for the general public to wear masks out and about, (for those that are well), unless you’re coughing (which if that’s the case you shouldn’t be out and about anyways, lol)... My doctor was actually quite frustrated with the whole thing and kept taking his off, lol. I mean, it definitely doesn’t hurt any (as each one of the professionals mentioned), but let’s save them for those on the “front lines” and for those that are sick!! Agree?? Ok, glad... Thanks. 🙄 Anyways, there’s your little bit of info for the day 😉 (since I’ve seen this come up many times around here... 🤔) 

My overall synopsis.... First, don’t get sick during this time! Lol. 😷 And second... I am actually very impressed with the organization that has quickly taken place for this. Everyone was so kind and helpful and gracious. Nobody likes being at work right now. Nobody likes having to wear masks, or do their jobs outside, but they are. 

Thank you so very much to ALL of our health care workers! I have acquired a new appreciation for each and every one of you, through this experience! ❤️

A very cold night-- another trial thrown my way

Why do we go through such horrible trials? Why does God allow us to suffer? Why doesn't God stop the devil from his (constant) attacks? For me, it's been 7.5 years! Just when I think I'm listening to God, or just when I'm feeling blessed... BAM!

Monday evening was amazing! My little family and I were able to go to the Chris Tomlin Holy Roar Tour concert, and it was absolutely amazing!.. My 8 year old was praising God, we were all singing, and all left feeling blessed, refreshed, and closer to God and each other. But unfortunately, as it has gone in my life for the last 7+ years, when God blesses me/us, the devil attacks hard! So, i should have seen it coming...

Tues after my iPhone has been crashing and finally almost got me stranded somewhere up north (twice in a week if you include last Sat too) 😩, I decided i needed to just invest in a new phone so i started looking around. Thats when I found a company that I could have internet AND a second line for about the same (or less) than my current carrier... Not to mention actually have service when I visit my parents, lol. Anyways... I was able to get all of that, get a new phone, etc... But it took several hours so we didn't get home until after 7:00. In which we got home to a note on the door-- and ) no power! The note on the door said due to no payment. Except for my bill isn't due until the 17th?!?! (And it was the 12th). Of course I called immediately and no real person would answer. I was literally screaming at the recorder! "THIS IS A F*@%ING EMERGENCY!!!!!"  Finally the recorder says "I'll transfer you to a representative". "YES! THANK YOU!!" lol (was definitely not laughing out loud last night though 😉🤣). Anyways... Real person answered. She literally just kept telling me, "I'm sorry ma'am, this is not an emergency, I am just the emergency person, you will have to call back tomorrow morning." It was everything I could do to not scream at her. I did however tell her this was indeed an emergency! Its 25 freaking degrees outside and I have two young kids! Her response was, "then you'll just have to make other arrangements for the night". Oh, that comment set me off! I straight out told her I am a single parent, we don't have family here and nowhere else to go, that this was their mistake and I KNOW they have an emergency person that can come turn it back on! She refused and just kept telling me that there is nobody because this was not an emergency! She said there was not a damn thing she could do and not a damn other person I  could talk to!! She, of course, COULD take my money though! I was beyond livid!! I literally just hung up on her after I paused for a few seconds, and she said "ma'am are you grabbing your credit card?" Uh, no! I'm pausing and catching my breath before I come through the phone and beat your ass! 😡

Needless to say, the boys and I froze last night! We each had 3 blankets on, (and I like to sleep cold) and we were still cold!! 🥶

I explained in the beginning about the new phone... First of all, that's why we got home "after hours", but also, I had spent 2.5 hours trying to download my e-mail and facebook on my new phone so I could notify the boys' teachers and my boss, but i failed miserably! Since it was a new phone they wanted to verify it. But apparently my password was wrong from FB and then from my e-mail... I know for a fact that my fb e-mail was correct and it even said "you have entered an old password". So I began to realize I had been hacked! I know EXACTLY who hacked it. This person can hack anyone and anything at the click of his finger! I knew it would eventually happen... (probably had already I just didn't know about it 😡) But..... Now I was just straight out defeated (yup! You win, if you're reading this... But do keep in mind the boys are suffering too, and they happen to be your flesh and blood)... No power, freezing cold, and brand new phone is useless! Thankfully my old phone turned back on long enough to retrieve my bosses phone number so I was able to text her. But I wasn't able to contact the boys' teachers.

I have no battery alarm clock so I did not sleep good knowing I wouldn't wake up on time (and being so cold). I kept waking up to check the wall clock! But finally stopped because it was just too cold, so then I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep! Finally, all 3 of us shivering, we got up, got ready, went to charge my phone, and then made that phone call!!

Sure enough..... "I'm sorry. I see you're right. It was our mistake. We'll send someone as soon as we can. You do need to pay $96 though to restore the service, and we'll put it as a credit towards your bill." Are you flipping kidding me?!?!

Needless to say, I was very late to work and the boys to school today! No shower and all. Oh, but it gets even better.... A few weeks ago we got locked out of the car while it was running because the boys accidentally hit the lock button and then went back inside. Well... that happened again this morning!! Jared did it again (accidentally, of course), and I lost it! Last time I couldn't find the spare anywhere so I had to make an insurance claim for a locksmith to come unlock it. But, God knew and unbeknownst to me had prepared me for this the other day. I randomly got tired of all the crap in my room and was cleaning through some random stuff and found the spare (of course was mad at the time since it was about a week too late from the last incident, haha), but of course it was JUST in time for this one! I didn't see it as that at the time this morning. And I definitely didn't see it as a blessing. I was just too mad. But, can you imagine if I would of had to call for a locksmith again ON TOP of freezing last night at avistas "mistake"?!?! Oh. MAN!!!! Thank you God!

For 7.5 years now I have been tested, tempted, and pushed to my breaking. This time it literally just about did it. I'm still not fully "recovered", but I know I've had several prayer warriors praying today. And, in the scheme of things, it's probably also a blessing that I couldn't get on fb last night because I was so livid it would not have been too good...

This blog, and sharing such a fresh, (still open) wound with y'all, is because I just wanted to tell you to keep going. It WILL and does, get better! And you CAN get through it! (A reminder for myself as well). 

Even just a few hours ago as I sat in the Starbucks taking an extended lunch break, charging my phone and  texting my friend/boss, I was ready to just give up and throw the towel in too 😉, but now that I'm back in the world of Facebook and e-mail, (and hopefully got the hack taken care of for now), I am able to think more clearly. Last night was rough. Maybe even the roughest? But most definitely the coldest 😉🙄🥶 lol. But, this evening I am sitting here ready to reflect, ready to count blessings, and even ready to (attempt) to listen to God and His plan... With that said, I must say that the main thing my mom/parents tried to drive out of me is the one thing that has gotten me through these times-- my stubbornness! My drive to keep going. My strength comes from the Lord though, and for that I am thankful! Bring on the next trial, devil.... (and I will be sure to share it with y'all 😉🙈)

20 years

This past weekend I was chatting with a friend from church and she mentioned how her 10-year high school reunion was coming up. In that moment it clicked that my 20-year reunion is coming up next year! 20 YEARS?!?! TWENTY! Oh, my! I hadn't really thought about it until that moment. How in the world has it almost been twenty years since I was in high school? I am SO old! And yet, still feel like that innocent, naive high schooler! 

This has been a rough few months, so of course naturally this revelation has brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Specifically one about how hard forgiveness can be. I decided fo face my "bullies" my sophomore year and return to the small local high school. Eighth grade had been tough for me as it was my first public school experience and I was all but normal. I was shy. I was ugly. I was fat. I was not smart. I was not stylish. And I didn't know too many kids. That was the worst year engrained in my memory! I was bullied and I was silent. One day. One mistake changed my life forever. I'm sure nobody else even remembers it, but I remember it clear as day. Every single detail. The whispers. The looks. The words. The actions. The tears. I was alone through it all. My mom looked the other way and I didn't tell anyone. 

It was my fault. I was naive. I was sick and exhausted and I didn't want to do PE that day. I sucked at Volleyball and trying to fit in and not make a mistake, and be the last one to get picked every time, was all just too much that day. I had a lot on my mind. I didn't realize I was staring as we were changing for PE. My mind was simply wandering, as it always did. 

That day forever changed my life. It took two years before I could face my classmates (and the entire school), and return to that school. And a lot longer before I officially forgave each one of them. Our sophomore year was different though. I came back changed. I was still quiet, but not shy. I was no longer ugly. I was now stylish, skinny, and wore makeup, and I worked hard in advanced classes. I was definitely not popular, but I at least fit in, now. 

My point to this blog is that it took ME going back and facing my classmates our sophomore year to realize that they had changed too. They had grown up too. Although nobody asked for my forgiveness with words, they did with their actions. They were now kind and loving (for the most part). My junior year my parents made me to go to a private boarding school but my senior year I went back and graduated with these same classmates. Although it took several years to fully forgive them and to not let what happened affect my life, I often wonder if I had not gone back would I have been able to forgive? Twenty years later after a lot of counseling and recovery from a divorce, and having to forgive my ex husband (as well as others), I have realized that although not a single one of my classmates asked for my forgiveness, being able to forgive them cleared ME to be able to live MY life fully. It cleared ME of the burden and hatred. It really had nothing to do with them. But had I hung on to what happened, I would still be living with the nightmares and in bitterness and agony! Forgiveness was freeing for ME. And, because of that, I may actually plan on attending my 20-year reunion. Where, although we'll be there to "remember" each other, I know I am blessed to have had each of them in my life. I grew to become a strong and independent mom thanks to each of my classmates! Although they meant for it to hurt, I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I am stubborn and I faced my biggest fear-- and forgiveness was the result. As promised God wiped away my tears and turned them into blessings! Here's to many more reunions together. 

Honest (unbiased) review of Hello Fresh

Well. Here it is folks. I just completed our second week with Hello Fresh. Next week we will be trying Sun Basket. (Maybe others in the future?)

In all honesty, I was a little hesitant from the beginning due to the reviews, but I was pretty desperate so really wanted to give it a shot! 

From the very beginning Hello Fresh kind of let me down. (Don't worry, there ARE also positive things as well. I will explain ALL). But, their website is TERRIBLE! It was so incredibly slow and kept freezing up! I had a hard time scrolling through to order the meals just because it took FOREVER! So I downloaded their app! It literally kept crashing my phone! I thought maybe it was just MY phone?!?! Apparently not. According to the reviews, a lot of people had this same problem. I hope they fix this, as it definitely deterred me and caused me to look into other companies! 

Some of the reviews said their delivery was (days) late. Ours was on our doorstep when we got home from work on Monday. So, that was nice. (Both weeks). But we also live in a fairly large city, so that may help? 

Then the food itself: Many reviews said the produce/food was rotten. So I kind of expected it (but hoped for the best). Unfortunately the reviews were also correct with this. Our second meal on Wednesday had zucchini that had very obviously been frozen, and had the ring on the inside but they were also very clearly old! There were a few other items that were not fresh, but not a huge deal. However, something very disturbing was some soy sauce for a meal our second week was expired! I am debating contacting them about that... (I'll try to post pictures). 

On both a positive and negative side, one of the meals took way less time to prepare than what it stated, but a couple of the meals took a lot more time than was stated. All, however, were very reasonable. 

Is it enough?? Another question asked a lot on the reviews, etc... For those of y'all that know us, you know that my boys eat A LOT!!! I joke that they will eat me bankrupt! And, the answer to this question is a big YES! They say the portions are for two adults (I was worried since most days my oldest will eat more than a grown adult male!!), but most days we even had enough leftovers for lunch the next day (for 1-2). 

I know all of y'all want to know about the dent to your pocketbook.... I began with a $40 off coupon so the first week (3 meals for 2 adults) with shipping was only $20. The second week, however, was about $60 with shipping. (If y'all want a coupon I currently have two coupons left for a FREE week, and a few more for $40 off. Just let me know). The way I look at it though, is that I spend about the same (maybe more) on food and produce and then forget I have it and it goes bad (but that could be just me?!?! 😁). But, either way, it's not too much more (maybe even less) than buying the food myself for a week of meals. And, it's worth it to me just for the fact that I don't have to go to the grocery store every week (or few days)!! 

On a positive side. ALL of the meals were very yummy. Even my boys (6 &7) whom can be very picky loved most of the veggies and all meals but one! Although I am excited to try Sun Basket next week (a lot more options, including vegetarian, gluten-free, paleo, and all organic), I am definitely hooked now! It has been so very nice to not stress about when I'm going to be able to go grocery shopping, and of course (literally) dragging two kids along! And, it's opened up my recipe selection/options! And, encouraged (aka forced) me to actually cook good meals for my family :)

 So, although, overall, I'm not entirely impressed with Hello Fresh, I WILL be using it occasionally (hoping for a better experience with Sun Basket though). And, I have definitely enjoyed the experience. 

Changes

Well friends, family, followers....
As those of y'all whom know me personally know a LOT of changes have occurred since I was last active with this blog. With that said, I am wanting to start again, but will be changing the name, content, and my "profile".

Some days I will be getting personal  with subjects such as life as a single parent, and the realities that entails. I will also be reporting honest reviews of products and services we use regularly. I will be blogging on life as a preschool teacher and all the joys as well as trials that go along with that. And I will even be asking for suggestions, ideas, and "help" when needed. Please join me if any of this is of interest to you.

And if you have any suggestions for a "new" name, please shoot them my way :)

With love,
~Stephanie

Can I truly Thrive?

It has been YEARS since I've "blogged". I've considered starting again, several times, but never have. It has been a whole new life since I last blogged, and A LOT has changed. (Maybe I will blog about that sometime-- haha).

My most recent change is that my exhaustion has caught up to me and I've resorted to serious  and desperate measures! Something I've seen floating around called THRIVE?

I've seen several of my friends going through the "THrive" experience. It's been in the back of my mind for  awhile, but I knew I couldn't really afford it. And my biggest question was, "Does it really work?" Or is it just another scheme to get caught up into. Well, that's what this "new" blog is about... I'm going to document my experience, daily (if possible). I'm going to see if it truly works. And I'm going to be HONEST about it, too...

So... we shall see... Can I truly THIVE?

My first taste

As his brother and parents can attest to, my husband is probably the most accident-prone individual anyone could ever know! Last night was the first (small) taste of that I've gotten since being married to him.

My husband  had a tracheotomy as a child, has been ran over by a car THREE times (not his fault either,) has almost died from salmonella poisoning, has almost died from an allergic reaction to a drug, has broken more bones than anyone I know, and of course has a story to go with all the scars he's attained over the years! God must have a really amazing plan for his life, to make his guardian angel work that much overtime, but I sure am thankful!

Last night, once again, Bryce had an allergic reaction to a drug. I first noticed a fist-size rash on his side in the early afternoon, but we thought it was just a reaction to a spider bite, so he simply applied topical benadryl and continued on with his day. It continued to grow and got puffier and more inflamed. By late afternoon, we noticed several more smaller hives spread throughout his body. By late evening, it suddenly occurred to him that he had taken naproxin for the first time today. I flipped. He was supposed to leave for work at 9:30 and at 9:00 I finally convinced him to go to the ER. By the time he got there his heart rate was up, his fever was high, and he was dizzy. Right away they gave him epinephrine (epi) and benadryl shots. When I got to the ER, his speech was slurred and he couldn't walk straight. Needless to say, even with guilt trips and much complaint from his fellow employees, he did not go to work.

I have dreaded this moment for our entire four years of marriage but had hoped that his "accident-prone" days were over. Thank God it was nothing like the ones before I was around, but it was still too close for me, and I'd prefer not to have any more like it...

Remembering 9/11

10 years ago today at around 6am (my time,) my roommate woke me up saying "planes just crashed into the twin towers", I didn't comprehend what was said and sadly, went back to sleep.

A few hours later, on the way to work it became a reality as I heard it on the radio. And when I arrived at work I was in shock and devastated as I watched the detriment on tv!

One and a half years later, on March 27, 2003, I joined the Army and left for basic training. I was in basic when the war "officially" began. 

I still have a hard time comprehanding why human beings could do something so horrible to thousands of other human beings. What does "war" really accomplish? What a terrible world we live in, and every new day I live in this place I pray for that wonderful day to come where there will be NO MORE death and NO MORE sorrow :-) What a glorious day that will be!

God Bless America and those who lost their lives, and the families of those who lost their lives, on that terrible, terrible day! Also those who served and those who continue to serve this wonderful country :-) We will ALWAYS remember! 9/11/01-9/11/11

raising 'ol glory- 9/11

World Trade Center memorial falls

http://www.panynj.gov/wtcprogress/live-camera.html (live cam of the WTC today)

Me in ACU's- 2006

Me and hubby, (fiance at this time)-2007

Surprise...

tehehe

checking out the pics of his little brother

face (he wouldn't give us a profile pic)

It's a BOY (possibly)

Baby Boy Goodridge is due Jan 29, 2012 :-)

9 months

My baby is 9 months old today! Where oh where did the time go?

His 9 month month-by-month pic

being shy? or just cute?

trying to get the camera!

Pendleton Water Park

We went to the Pendleton Water Park on Sunday and these are some awesome pics that Rachel Drake took of our adorable little guy. Just thought I'd share...

My fave little smile

Deep in thought

Tired but cute!

And the one I took on the way home :)

being "mobile" brings out a whole new world

Jared has been crawling for a week or so now, and he's everywhere! He loves to explore every little crack and cranny in our house, we are still working on "baby-proofing" EVERYTHING!!

 

Btw, sorry its not the greatest video, he's tired but I was determined to quit putting it off and get a video... 

Wonderful Hope

Also on my mind... are the less-recent losses in my life.

My sister lost her first-born (and only son,) when he was only three days old. He had a rare disorder where he was born with no kidneys. I can't wait to meet him some day and to be with him as he grows up.

Spencer- RIP 2004

In 2008 my cousin died from a tragic accident at home. He left behind his wife and his one-year old daughter. He was such a fun and loving guy, I'm excited to also see him once again :-)

Thad- RIP 2008

Even those who have lived a long life are still hard to let go. My Grandma AND Grandpa died on the same day within 8 hours of each other. My grandpa died from complications to surgery and my grandma died of cancer. I'm very thankful that we got to go visit them about a week before that day.


As a christian, I'm so glad that we have this wonderful hope. I cling to that with everything I have.

Revelation 21:3-5
And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”

Someday Very Soon :-)

Facing the Unimaginable

Two days ago some highschool friends of mine lost their 17 month old son in his sleep. I just can't imagine what that would be like to go check on my son and find him lifeless. This is the worst nightmare a mother could ever face.  They have constantly been in my thoughts and prayers these past few days.

Less than 3 months ago, some good friends of ours also unexpectedly lost their 18 month old daughter. It was found that she had an extremely rare disorder that nobody knew about.They are still in our prayers every day.

This just makes you cherish what you have in life, and makes you realize that your problems really aren't that bad. I have definitely been giving more hugs, kisses, and love to those close to me, and constantly checking on my son throughout the night and naps.

This world is such a cruel and horrible place, but I thank God we have that wonderful hope- that hope that someday very soon these parents that had to face the unimaginable, will be able to embrace their babies and NEVER have to let them go :-)

Jordan- RIP 8/13/11

Ryann- RIP 5/29/11

What do you think?

I was curious to see who Jared looks like at this age (8 months) and this is what I found: (sorry, I have no idea how to put them side-by-side)
My question is-how in the world did he get so skinny! ;-)

Bryce (8months)

Jared (7 months)

Me (4.5 months)

Hopefully this does it...

We haven't had the internet for almost two months now. Wednesday was the third time Charter came out to our house. When my husband went to turn in the modem and cancel our contract, they begged for "one more chance"!

Instead of a quick 10 minute check of the modem, splitter, and computer as they had done in the past, this tech was here for two hours! They ended up replacing the cable to our house, went under our house, into our attic, and all around our house. Apparently the cable was not grounded, and probably never had been, so it may have possibly gotten fried! (among several other problems!) The tech also told us that our house has been a "problem" house for over 10 years! My thought to that was then why didn't they fix the problem 10 years ago!!

Well, we'll see how long it lasts this time...

"Natural" does not always mean easy! - My journey with breastfeeding...

 Yes, I am backtracking, but I wanted to get all this together, mostly to remind myself that I DID try everything I could, but also for the next one I will know to do my research before-hand!!

For those of you who didn't know, I really wanted to breastfeed and had planned on it, however, in my head it was a "natural" process so of course it would be easy, right? WRONG!! Here is my "journal" (mostly writing to my lactation consultant). I would like to share this, not to scare you away from wanting to breastfeed (for those of you new or to-be moms,) but so that you don't go into it with the same mind-set as I did (and also for me to remember in the future).



In the hospital-After birth my nipples became inverted. Jared could not latch on. Tried nipple shield. Very difficult. He was very jaundice, and I wasn't producing colostrum yet. Nurse gave him a bottle with formula. I started pumping vigorously. Continued to try to get him to latch. Fed him formula through a tube, and also in a cup. Really did not want to give him a bottle, but he was SO fussy the third night and the nurses were busy, so Bryce and I gave him a bottle because we couldn't get him to latch! Every different nurse had their own ideas and suggestions, which made it very difficult to just stick with something. Nurse gave him a pacifer as we left the hospital because he was so fussy.

Dec 4-HOME

Dec 6-Went to see lactation consultant

Dec 7- .last night he ate perfectly up through 12 pm, refused it at 3pm, (I tried again I think an hour later), but didn't eat until almost 6am!!!! Then today I tried at 8 am, nothing, but he ate at 9am, 11 am, and 1pm just fine. Refused at 3pm and 4pm. My husband syringe fed him about .5 an oz at 5pm, but that didn't work well either. Tried nursing at 6pm, w/my husbands help he ate a tiny amount.
The problem is that he falls sound asleep, and no matter what we try we can't wake him! or he won't latch on at all, and just screams! And he will just sleep all night and day if we let him, he doesn't even wake up w/a dirty diaper! I just don't understand?
Saw his doc today, maybe he didn't hear me, but I told him last night he didn't eat for almost 6 hours but he didn't say anything. In L&D the nurse told me to call his doc if he doesn't eat for 4 hours...

 Dec 7- hadn't eaten since 1pm and we have tried all afternoon to wake him up! Tried a bottle about an hour ago and he still wouldn't wake up! was walking out the door to go to ER when bryce finally got him awake! He ate 2 oz of bottle now... I think we're just gonna bottle feed him tonight :-(
 w/the bottle just now Bryce had to literally force it in his mouth, and after about 20 min of that, he woke up. I tried that all day w/the breast, but he would literally wake up for about 2 sec, latch, suck, not swallow, fall asleep!!

Dec 7-same weight
he isn't gaining weight since getting out of the hosp... We are still struggling on and off w/nursing! Last night he refused two feedings, so went almost 6 hrs w/out eating!!! Today w/bryce's help we got a tiny bit down him about an hour ago, other than that, he hasn't eaten since 1:00!!! Doc doesn't seem worried, but I am!!! Besides the fact that I had "flu-like" symptoms this afternoon (which the nurse told me would happen and is normal?) I WILL NOT GIVE UP, I WILL NOT GIVE UP, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!! HEHE...

 Dec 8- once in awhile, the feedings are great, however VERY rare, usually he fights it but will eventually give in, latch, and nurse for about 10 minutes. Usually he will latch, then let go, and do that several times over and my nipple gets really slippery so that its hard for him to latch back on. The right side is a whole other story though. He rarely ever latches on, and when he does its only for a few sucks! So I've just been pumping, pumping, pumping on that side, however its still more full, and sore.
The syringe feeding did not go well, (that's why he only got about 1/2 oz),Jared kept choking on it (no matter how slowly he gave it,) and he just screamed.
finally got 2 oz down him via bottle (at 8pm), he had runny diarrhea all over the place.
I had a temp of 103 when we checked at 3:30! I honestly was dehydrated though, got LOTS of fluids down, and temp came down, and a few hours later I felt much better.
 stretch marks becoming "blistery"! itch SO bad and have turned into bumps, and I also have "new" rashy bumps in the area...
Still pumping, although yesterday I didn't pump as much as I should have...

Birth: 7.11- After birth: 7.3- 2 days after birth: 7.35- Sat:7.35- Sun(before nurse):7.35, (after nurse):7.45-Mon:7.35(before nurse), 7.45 (after nurse)- Tues(doc):7.45(nursed about 1/2hr prior)...

He's been waking up on his own wanting to eat, sometimes even every hour :-) And the time or two we woke him up, it worked... Last night went good too... He actually woke up on his own about every 2 1/2 hrs, once though he woke up and didn't get full enough so he kept waking up every 20 minutes after that to feed. So, with that said really our main problem now (I think) is that he wants to eat, latches on, but then falls sound asleep. Either that or he latches on, sucks once, and then lets go, and does that several times over.

I think we also realized our "problem"... And I feel absolutely terrible about this... In a way, I was actually denying him of food! Due to all of the troubles we had in the hosp, every nurse had their own ideas/suggestions, and it got really confusing for us, so I had things all twisted up and didn't follow my own instincts (I guess you could say). I was told to put him on a schedule and feed him every 2 hours (somehow I got the idea that I wasn't supposed to let him feed sooner than that two hours!!) Anyways, basically he would wake up at night, but just a little fussy so I would just give him the pacifier, and he would fall back asleep. Because of this, I just assumed he was a "fussy" baby and needed the pacifier. But really, he was hungry!! It just kind of clicked last night because someone sent me a website about pacifiers and breast feeding (which I knew was bad, but the nurse said it was okay after eating and doc said it was okay. And I thought he was just going to cry a lot like in the hospital, and the pacifier was going to be our only "save"...)Then... last night he did the same thing, he woke up several times during the night "fussy" so I immediately picked him up and fed him (IT WORKED...YAY). And he hasn't had the pacifer (or bottle) since :-) The only problem w/that is that he was super tired so would only nurse for about 5-10 minutes (which I'm guessing isn't enough?)

I'm feeling pretty good about it right now, he's been latching on and nursing great all day, so hopefully we don't have a repeat of last night EVER again!! (btw, we were on our way out the door to the ER when finally my husband was able to get him to accept the bottle... after 7 HOURS of not eating!!) 

Dec 9- If I only had one boob we'd be golden ;-) He hasn't taken to the right side for a good feeding probably since you saw him... I try at almost every feeding, I've tried both positions (though I'M not so good @ the football). In fact, early this morning we worked on it for over an hour. I tried changing his diaper to get his mind off of it, I tried switching to the left for a minute and then going back, and I tried just letting him struggle w/it, cry, etc... I just don't know why! Oh, but he does latch on once in awhile but only for 1-2 sucks, and I noticed he just has the nipple in his mouth.
Second... He is going GREAT about waking up on his own now :-) All day yesterday he woke up to be fed every 1-3 hours, but last night it was more like every 3-4 hours, is that too long? I didn't wake him up mostly because I was curious if he would on his own...
the only thing "strange" w/my body is my stretch marks have become very "blistery"! I called my doc though and he didn't seem concerned, just basically told me to take benadryl (but I refuse to take that...) so I am just continuing to lather them in lotion...


Dec 10- Had a doc appt today and he's still at 7.4... Fed him after he got circumcised and he gained an oz... Not sure what to think, I guess its good he's not losing? However, I'm disappointed I wish we had something to "show" for all the hard work ;-)

Dec 13- struggling with-is telling whether or not he's actually "drinking" the milk or just using me as a "pacifier"?!.. (like for instance the 1 1/2 hr feeding yesterday).
got him to latch on once today after about 20-30 minutes of the on-off struggle... (even on our "good side"). I don't understand why he started that all of a sudden, cuz I thought we were on the "right" track and starting to do good :-S
 I'm honestly not sure at this point if we are ever going to get the hang of nursing!! I'm sitting at the computer here still in my jammies :-( I just finished giving him a bottle :-( (yeah, I gave up...) He hasn't latched since yesterday, all night was on and off, on and off... and then he would "pass out" after 10 minutes of that! He continued w/that this morning and this afternoon, and I just don't know what to do anymore (and my husband wasn't home to help,) so I just gave him a bottle (of bm of course)...
I am thinking, (as of right now,) that maybe I will just continue doing that... I will just see how long I can pump until my supply runs out and maybe he will keep "suckling" a little to keep it going? But I did realize when i was giving him the bottle that I already "miss" it! And I don't know why all of a sudden he isn't latching because yesterday he did amazing! I would have sworn he probably gained a POUND! lol. He ate for an hour and a half once, an hour once, and a half hour twice, but then last night he stopped and wouldn't latch again today!

Dec 13-"Some is better than none!" had to give bottle.
have PLENTY of milk... It's him that's causing the problems? Yesterday was GREAT, but last night and today was on again and off again for 10 min and then he'd "pass out" and refuse to wake up, so I thought it would be better in the am, but it wasn't. now at 3:30, he still hasn't "latched" all day!! so yes, I had to give him a bottle at around 2 (of my milk)...


Dec 14-gained 6 oz, latching on again.
Dec 15-2 steps forward, 1 step back. took benedryl, gave baby bottle

Dec 16-to ER for rash
Dec 17-I have noticed that lately he almost always "chugs" on the left side. Even if we start on the right, and even if he's on the right side for a 1/2 hr or longer, when I put him on the left he inhales it!!I've also noticed that when I have to "force" him awake every two hours he doesn't seem to eat as well (especially at night)
And... during the day he wants to suck for what seems like forever! It's hard for me to see/hear him swallowing, but sometimes I am just assuming he's using me as a "pacifier"(sometimes for 1 1/2+hrs). But sometimes he really IS drinking that whole time!!
I guess I just don't feel very confident as to whether I'm doing the right thing or not (if there's such thing? lol)

Dec 17-screaming

Dec 18-  I've noticed that its actually really hard to get him to nurse well at night, but then I think because of that he wants to nurse all day long! He's still hard to wake up at night, but when he finally does wake up, he only nurses for about 10 or so minutes and falls sound asleep again! Last night I actually had to give him a small bottle after nursing for a few minutes because he was "fighting" it and I was super miserable and the nursing was making it worse!
taking up ALL of my time (keeps me from even being able to eat/drink for myself) because he is literally nursing (sucking?) for 1 1/2 hrs sometimes.... and then turns around and nurses again in 1/2 hr-1 hr... eeks!! Like I said, I'm just so unsure of what I "should" be doing and feel so un-confident, but am trying to figure it all out...
As for the right side... I try to start on that side every other time (or sometimes more,) but especially at night when I'm really tired, "(I)" also favor the left, lol. I pumped and nursed at the same time this morning for the first time and it definitely worked, I got almost 1 oz in just a few minutes, where as yesterday I was having a hard time getting 1 oz total from BOTH breasts!!
As for this darn rash.... I'm not sure what's up with it (and neither do the docs apparently!!) I've been to the ER twice now (first time was a waste of time,) I've tried every possible topical cream for it, tried benadryl, and now they have me on prednisone, this morning was my second dose of it. As of yesterday it wasn't working so hopefully today that changes, or I'm not sure what to do! Last night it officially spread to my breasts (which kind of scares me)...  now its all up and down my legs, arms, back, feet, and breasts (basically everywhere)!! Like I said, last night I couldn't even complete nursing because it hurt so bad, I was very miserable!! ugh!!

Dec 18-taking prednisone for rashes
Dec 19- doing good as of this morning. He's latching really great now :-) (on both sides). And I don't want to say this too soon, but I'm getting a lot more confident that all will be well... He's such a little trouper :-)




Dec 21-very gassy
Dec 24-So, things are not going well right now, but I'm NOT quite ready to "give up", but yet I really don't know what to do!
 the doc we saw yesterday was concerned about his height/weight ratio so didn't really address his tummy issue or the fact that he is ALWAYS wanting to eat! So, now the problem is that he is literally always wanting to eat! I keep thinking its because he's just "security feeding" because his tummy hurts, but he "roots" and is actually trying to drink and then getting frustrated- which makes me wonder if I'm producing enough? I used to be able to pump 2-4 oz a few times a day and now can barely get 1/2-1 oz (from BOTH breasts!!)
He's still having wet diapers (though not as many as before,) but hasn't gone poop since midnight on Wednesday! He's been gassy and I can feel and hear his intestines going crazy!
I ended up giving him a bottle of formula last night because I guess I was paranoid from the doc yesterday that he isn't getting "enough calories"... Today he is nursing again, however since he is wanting to nurse every 1/2-1 hour, I gave him two bottles of bm between the nursing. (yesterday the doc told me not to feed him more often than every 2 hours to let my supply have enough time to build back up?...)
Like I said, I'm not ready to give up, but I am about as close as it gets... I know his tummy hurts, but now I'm also not sure if he's getting enough? I just want my happy baby back :-)

Dec 26-bottle and nursing (eating a lot)
Dec 27- I am so frustrated, its not funny anymore! Here it is, 1:00, I haven't showered, eaten, pumped, or even peed yet! I started at about 9:45 this morning to try feeding him w/the tube. Yeah, that just ended at 12:30!! 2 1/2 hours!! He ended up drinking the full 2 oz+whatever he got from the breast, however, it took that full 2 1/2 hours because he was screaming on and off the whole time! Finally I got him to accept it on the left side and he fell asleep, a few minutes later woke up, so I switched him to the right and we started the "process" all over... Eventually he settled down and was nursing great, and finished the 2 oz, and fell asleep. And of course I had no idea what time it was, so when I got up and put him in the swing, he woke up and was hungry again! (I guess the process had taken so long that by the time we were done, he was hungry again!) Needless to say, I just got done giving him 2oz of formula! Now he is sound asleep... The tube worked, and he got the amount he needed (and I know I could use it w/formula) however, it took entirely too long, and was nearly impossible to do by myself!! This is basically taking away from me being able to enjoy him! And because of that, I'm not sure if its worth it?

Jan 3- small nasal passage (hard to breathe while nursing)

Jan 9- I guess he's doing about the same. A lot is still going on though, hopefully we're figuring some of it out though. We are pretty sure he does have colic (still trying to figure out why.) Fri night he was screaming until 2:30 am!! But last night he slept like a baby all night (woke up to be fed and went right back to sleep) :-) I just happened to look up the "side effects" of the fenugreek and blessed thistle yesterday and both of them say diarrhea/gas/bloated!!!! (yikes!) all of which poor little Jared has had this past week or two! Needless to say, I quit taking them as of last night.
I have gotten a few good feedings in where he actually nurses himself to sleep :-) But the majority of the time, yes, he will still only eat for 5 minutes and start crying (another reason I want to try the breast flow bottles is to "rule" out if its due to him "being lazy" or having problems with latching). But he actually does have problems latching (and breathing) w/the bottle too once in awhile! So, I just don't know!!

Jan 14- unfortunately mostly being bottle fed now! :-( It was just too stressful seeing him like that (on, off, scream, on, off, scream!)  and not knowing why... He is doing okay w/the bottle although he even has a hard time w/it sometimes too!
I am still pumping at least a few times/day and he will usually also breastfeed a few times per day (only about 5-10 minutes though.)
He was/is also acting colicky, his doc gave him "baby" zantac which seems to work a little... (he may possibly have a form of GERD?) Just too much going on, and it was getting too stressful... However, we did order those bottles, so hopefully they get here soon, and hopefully I can still produce enough to keep breastfeeding in case we are able to get him back to the breast... That's basically our "last resort", but mostly I'm just curious if its a latching issue? Just curious to see how he acts when its a bottle but he has to "work for it", so hopefully the bottles work like they say they do?

Jan 24-trying the breast flow bottles. They work, and he does fine with them, however, they're very difficult to handle. Hubby wants to just go back to a regular bottle.

Feb 11-latched on for a few minutes

THE END.

Suggestions/Comments very much appreciated (as I WILL be breastfeeding the next one....)

December 1, 2010-Jared Roger Kirk

I've been wanting to write up Jared's birth story for awhile, so here it is:          

              At 7:00 am, as we headed to the hospital we were a mix of emotions.  We would finally be able to hold our little baby boy sometime today, but at the same time, being my first birthing experience, I had many thoughts running through my head. I was being induced but was still going to at least shoot for an all-natural birth. I had been told that being induced with pitocin makes the contractions much more intense than normal, so I was quite scared.  This was also my birthday.

                They hooked me up to all the monitors and gave me an IV and began the pitocin, along with an antibiotic. Apparently I was already having contractions, but I didn’t feel them-it was actually this way for a few hours. Once in awhile I would feel them, but nothing strong at all, although according to the monitors, they were pretty strong. I was thinking, this is going to be easy if this is supposedly a fairly high contraction.  Since I was not progressing much, (I had come in at 2 cm dilated and a few hours later was only at a 3,) and the contractions weren’t getting much stronger, the nurse had to keep upping the dose of pitocin. We were hoping to be able to give birth with as little as possible.  They even gave me cake for my birthday.

                By about 12:00, the contractions started getting pretty strong. Since I was still not progressing much, the nurse estimated me to give birth somewhere between 8 and 10:00 tonight. Once the contractions started getting rough, this was not very good news!  I was at a point where I wasn’t getting any relief, the contractions were still coming and going but in between I would cramp up rather bad.  According to the monitors, most of the contractions were off the charts; yet I was still only at maybe a large 3cm! At 1:30 they gave me the option of having a dose of stadol. This would give me a little break and some rest. Unfortunately it would also make baby drowsy, which could prolong the process a little, but there was no way I was going to make it until 8:00 or later, so we opted for that.  Looking back, I regret this decision because it gave me less than an hour’s break and I felt drowsy for the rest of the process! 

                Something I will never forget is that all morning I had been texting friends and family to update them, and around 3:30 I had texted my best friend and she asked if the contractions hurt. All I can do now is chuckle (she doesn’t have kids,) but at the time I wanted to scream into the phone, “YES, THEY HURT!!!” Too cute!

                By 3:30 every contraction was off the charts, but the nurse didn’t want to check me again since I had only been a 3 (maybe 4) before the stadol. The stadol had worn off over an hour ago and I was not getting any relief. Between every contraction I would cramp up. Some contractions were worse than others, so the less intense ones were the only relief I would get! By 4:30 I started saying I would not last until 8:00 and I needed an epidural! Bryce and the nurse encouraged me to use the birthing ball and walk around; they would also rub my back and remind me to breathe.  By 5:00 I was making constant trips to the bathroom, but nothing would happen; and I would have contractions in the bathroom and on the way to the bathroom, it was horrible! Every time I would have a contraction and I wasn’t hooked up to the monitors, the nurse would ask me what “number” that one was, she finally stopped asking when all the contractions were basically just one big contraction and it was the worse pain I had ever felt! Eventually she gave up on hooking me back up to the monitors. The nurse tried to encourage me by saying that I could do it and didn’t I want to do this all-natural? I said, yes, but I didn’t know how intense they would be with the pitocin and if I couldn’t make it, then that was okay. She said she would call my doctor. She came back in a said that it would be awhile before I could get an epidural because they were all in surgery.  She called my doc and he said to go ahead and check me to see where I was at (if I still wasn’t too close then I could at least have another dose of stadol.) That’s when I started throwing up. Shortly after that, while on the birthing ball, I uncontrollably started “peeing” all over, (my water had broke).  She then checked me, and very suddenly started telling me to get on the bed and get ready because I was going to have a baby! Apparently he was basically on his way out already. She called the doc and told me NOT to push! At that point, I don’t remember much, it was all a blur. I think another person came in to help get everything ready, and I bet the nurse thought she would be delivering a baby. Doctor Betz finally came in, checked me and ran back out to change. The nurse just kept saying, hold on, and don’t push yet. The pain was crazy, but yet, it was so exciting, that I don’t remember it being that bad anymore; maybe it was partly from anticipation knowing I would be holding our son in just minutes. Finally our doc came in and they said, okay, on your next contraction, push.  Since I wasn’t getting any relief between contractions, I no longer could tell when I was having one, so I told them they would have to tell me when to push.  I felt so powerful; I was the only one that could push this baby out, so I pushed with all I had. Three pushes later, at 5:55pm, we met our amazing little miracle. At the time I didn’t realize how lucky I was that it only took three pushes, and the whole process, (from the time she checked me until the time he was out,) was only 11 minutes!  To me, the actual birth was not painful at all. I tore very badly, which really frightened Bryce, but I don’t remember feeling any of it. I just remember them telling me to push and then telling me his head was out and I was shocked because it was so quick and had been so easy.

                December 1, 2010-the best day of my life.